Who Am I???

"I didn't always know what I wanted to do, but I knew the kind of woman I wanted to be."
- Diane Von Furstenberg

I found this paper today that I was given at a bible study months ago. I want to write it out because sometimes I forget who I am. When I forget I go down this slippery slope of discouragement and despair, ranting and raving about how I am not good enough. (note: last post)

I know I really need to lighten up. Figuratively, because literally I am light enough. I could actually use some vitamin D and sunshine.

Anyways, now that I got that out of my system (previous post), I will dive into who I am.

I am:
 a seeker of: truth, grace, hope, light, love, forgiveness, devotion, joy, peace, comfort, security.
 a daughter of light not of darkness (1 Thess 5:5)
called according to God's purpose (romans 8:28)
chosen and appointed by Christ to bear His fruit (John 15:16)
 loved by God (1 Thess 1:4)
designed to triumph (2 Cor 2:14)
blessed with every spiritual blessing (Eph 1:3)
redeemed and forgiven (Eph 1:7)
hidden with Christ in God (Col 3:3)

I am loved, treasured, made for eternal living.
I am a new creation, God's workmanship.
I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength (Phil 4:13)
I walk by faith not by sight (2 Cor 5:7)
I am part of a creation that feels, hurts, laughs, cries.
I am not better than anyone, nor is anyone better than me.
I have been made to discover grace.
I have been designed to encourage and love endlessly.
I have been called to be myself.

Oh, the identity I find in these truths and the assurance and peace.

 A true rant. I do not intend to offend; I just want to share the struggle in my mind:

I am tired of lies. 

I am tired of advertising.

I don't measure up unless I have:

Painted nails, fashionable clothes, my hair always perfect, my teeth white and my lips the right stain of colour.

I hate the pressure of this culture telling me I need to look great everyday because that is what people see and judge each other on. 

I'm sick of collections of purses and shoes, makeup and clothes.

I'm appalled by our obsessions to have the perfect home and right away at that. 

I'm tired of seeing girls dress like they don't respect themselves and the beautiful body they have been given. 

I'm bothered at the fact that my eyes first notice our outer shells and then base everything upon what I see. 

I wish I could wear my heart and soul on the outside. 

I will never be cool in the world standards. I will never have it all together on the outside. I am not a model. I will never wear a bikini. Somedays I don't brush my hair, and I never wear makeup.

I get very nervous hanging out with girls because I think they are always better dressed than me; prettier than me. 

I tired of the lies, bogged down by the pressure. I am tired of seeing things in shallow light. 

I crave more than this. This world never satisfies me. 

Status means nothing to me. More money won't do.

I have found not one thing in this world that will comfort my lonely, aching soul.

I seek joy. Deep, refreshing, pure joy. I need to be satisfied and at peace in my deepest darkest part. 

I need my God, to be my God and bring his warm sunshine into my darkest holes. My sin, my insecurities, my selfishness, my perspective, my judgments, my fears. 

His grace and truth. 

His peace and love. 

His justice and mercy. 

His comfort and delight. 

I am not a part of this world. This is not my home. I look beyond this place for my security. That is the only place I will ever be safe, loved, perfect. 

That is what I mean when I say I struggle. I see things both ways- materialistic and eternal. Shallow and deep. Hollow and full. 

It is a constant battle to chose to see life in the latter; eternal, deep and full. 

Ultimately that is what I want. How long will it take me to get there?

1 Peter 3:3-4  NLT

^{" 3} Don’t be concerned about the outward beauty of fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. ⁴ You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God."

Seven times seventy

I am being challenged to grasp what forgiveness is. I find it difficult to understand that I have been forgiven some days and that is why I tend to try to earn my salvation by doing good things. I forget the whole reason how I have been given new life, a second chance.
I am struggling today. There is a family at my workplace that I find very difficult to get along with. I don't know how to show them love. I want to punch them all in the face if I can be frank. But I know that God is love and he has loved me so for him I need to love them. For them I need to love them. For me I need to love them.
The first step for me to take is to forgive them. Which sounds simple. Done. But I know I am going to go through the same frustrations with them the next day. If I forgive them it doesn't mean they change. That part for some reason is the hard part. Knowing that everyday will be frustrating and every day I need to extend love and forgiveness. It is easy to forgive someone when you know he is sorry and he will try to not hurt you again. This is not the case.
Matthew 18:21-35
God is calling me to forgive unconditionally. Every time, all the time. Genuinely from the depths of my heart because that is the kind of forgiveness I have been given.

Joy: A By-Product of Fellowship

Definition of Joy: A feeling of great pleasure and happiness

Synonyms: delight, gladness, mirth, pleasure, rejoicing

As a Christian for a number of years now, I have struggled to understand the word Joy. What does it feel like, what does it really mean?

Maybe I feel it and I call it something else.

Maybe I don't have it and my entire Christian life is a sham. 

I have pondered the meaning of joy many times but haven't looked for much help in finding an answer. 

Today I was reading John 15. Jesus gives us an illustration of him being the vine and we are the branches. Here is verses 9-13. 

“Just as the Father has loved me, I have also loved you; remain in my love. If you obey my commandments, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father’s commandments and remain in his love. I have told you these things so that my joy may be in you, and your joy may be complete. My commandment is this – to love one another just as I have loved you. No one has greater love than this – that one lays down his life for his friends." (John 15:9-13 NET)

Then I read this in 1 John: 

"This is what we proclaim to you: what was from the beginning, what we have heard, what we have seen with our eyes, what we have looked at and our hands have touched (concerning the word of life – and the life was revealed, and we have seen and testify and announce to you the eternal life that was with the Father and was revealed to us). What we have seen and heard we announce to you too, so that you may have fellowship with us (and indeed our fellowship is with the Father and with his Son Jesus Christ). Thus we are writing these things so that our joy may be complete." (1 John 1:1-4 NET)

And finally in Psalm 4

"Many people say, “Who will show us better times?” Let your face smile on us, Lord. You have given me greater joy than those who have abundant harvests of grain and new wine. In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, O Lord, will keep me safe. (Psalms 4:6-8 NLT)

While reading through these verses I saw the simplicity to receiving joy.

1. We have joy when we are connected to God

2. Our perspective is changed (referring to ps 4- life is more than the abundance on this earth. We can have everything and still not have joy)

3. Being connected with others in a healthy, caring way.  (John 15:13, 1 John 1:3)

That to me is really what life is all about. Micah sums it up best when he says, "No, O people, the Lord has told you what is good, and this is what he requires of you: to do what is right, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God. (Micah 6:8 NLT)

 Connect with God, connect with others, do the right thing. The by product- complete joy.  Learning  this I can confidently say I do have joy, I think it grows stronger as each day goes by. Little by little it becomes complete. 

Thought for the day....

1Peter 3:3 cev
"Don't depend on things like fancy hair styles or gold jewelry or expensive clothes to make you look beautiful. Be beautiful in your heart by being gentle and quiet. This kind of beauty will last, and God considers it very special. Long ago those women who worshipped God and put their hope in him made themselves beautiful by putting their husbands first."

The Breakdown:
I think this verse isn't saying that we should wear potato bags and never comb our hair. It is saying to not depend on our appearance; don't put your trust in those things. Our outer appearances will change and fade, our character will grow stronger by the day if we work on it. I think of my husband's Nana. She is beautiful beyond words because her beauty runs deeper than her skin. She respects her husband and loves her family. She is not caught up in the latest and greatest. She is concerned about the welfare of mankind. She is very interested in our lives. Joe's Nana makes me feel accepted and valued. Those are the qualities that make us beautiful. 

The Questions:
What do I define beauty as?
According to the Bibles definition of beauty, am I beautiful?
Do I believe that my inner self is what really needs work, not my outer appearance?
Is there a way to balance the time I spend on my outer appearance vs inner self?
Do I care more about what I look like than how I act or think about myself and those close to me?

The Conclusion:
I can make myself beautiful but through a different way than what cosmetic companies tell me.
Being gentle and quiet is more valuable than gold or new clothes.
My actions are what determine my beauty- will I put others before myself? 

A challenge...or two

      Due to the rising awareness of the world I live in, I am taking steps to challenge the way I think and act. Let me explain.
I am one of the richest people in the world when comparing materials. I own a car and rent an apartment. I always have money for food, clothing, water, and electricity. All of my needs and many wants are met. I never go to bed hungry or thirsty. I have a job. I have a family who loves me. I have great healthcare and insurance. I don't fear for my life on a daily basis.
The list can go on.

     I have been made aware that my purpose is to receive so that I can give. I take so I can share. I was born in this rich country for a reason. We forget sometimes how easy our life is. We get frustrated by "first world problems" which obviously aren't anything to worry about. I want to stop using the line, "But it's the culture we live in, right?!", as an excuse for my decision making. I want the richness of my life to be found in family and friends not my stuff.

The Conclusion:
As of right now I am being challenged to:

• Buy less 
• Shop second hand for everything other than food and underwear!
• If I do buy new it needs to be made ethically
• Use the stuff I have already bought until it wears down/out and then possibly mend it??
• Go through my home and find things I won't use and donate them
• Buy fair trade whenever possible
• Be more thankful for what I have that I take for granted (hot showers, comfortable bed, running clean water)
• Complain less- that's a big one!
• Give however (money,time) to someone, something to improve quality of life 

This is my challenge. Will you take this challenge on with me? 

A Preface and a Toast

The Preface

My mind is full of thoughts and I wish to write them out.

This blog will consist of ramblings and rants, all of which are to

encourage,

challenge, 

and 

connect with anyone who wants to hear and join me in this pursuit of full life.

The Toast

Here's to living life. Here's to a new year, month, week, and day. Another moment I have to start fresh: rethink and grow as a person. Life is abundant and I don't want to miss out on the very best God has for me because my perspective was off. I want to live and love, share and connect.

So a toast to life. The most complex, interesting, and mysterious verb I will ever ponder.