A true rant. I do not intend to offend; I just want to share the struggle in my mind:

I am tired of lies. 

I am tired of advertising.

I don't measure up unless I have:

Painted nails, fashionable clothes, my hair always perfect, my teeth white and my lips the right stain of colour.

I hate the pressure of this culture telling me I need to look great everyday because that is what people see and judge each other on. 

I'm sick of collections of purses and shoes, makeup and clothes.

I'm appalled by our obsessions to have the perfect home and right away at that. 

I'm tired of seeing girls dress like they don't respect themselves and the beautiful body they have been given. 

I'm bothered at the fact that my eyes first notice our outer shells and then base everything upon what I see. 

I wish I could wear my heart and soul on the outside. 

I will never be cool in the world standards. I will never have it all together on the outside. I am not a model. I will never wear a bikini. Somedays I don't brush my hair, and I never wear makeup.

I get very nervous hanging out with girls because I think they are always better dressed than me; prettier than me. 

I tired of the lies, bogged down by the pressure. I am tired of seeing things in shallow light. 

I crave more than this. This world never satisfies me. 

Status means nothing to me. More money won't do.

I have found not one thing in this world that will comfort my lonely, aching soul.

I seek joy. Deep, refreshing, pure joy. I need to be satisfied and at peace in my deepest darkest part. 

I need my God, to be my God and bring his warm sunshine into my darkest holes. My sin, my insecurities, my selfishness, my perspective, my judgments, my fears. 

His grace and truth. 

His peace and love. 

His justice and mercy. 

His comfort and delight. 

I am not a part of this world. This is not my home. I look beyond this place for my security. That is the only place I will ever be safe, loved, perfect. 

That is what I mean when I say I struggle. I see things both ways- materialistic and eternal. Shallow and deep. Hollow and full. 

It is a constant battle to chose to see life in the latter; eternal, deep and full. 

Ultimately that is what I want. How long will it take me to get there?

1 Peter 3:3-4  NLT

^{" 3} Don’t be concerned about the outward beauty of fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. ⁴ You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God."