Who Am I???

"I didn't always know what I wanted to do, but I knew the kind of woman I wanted to be."
- Diane Von Furstenberg

I found this paper today that I was given at a bible study months ago. I want to write it out because sometimes I forget who I am. When I forget I go down this slippery slope of discouragement and despair, ranting and raving about how I am not good enough. (note: last post)

I know I really need to lighten up. Figuratively, because literally I am light enough. I could actually use some vitamin D and sunshine.

Anyways, now that I got that out of my system (previous post), I will dive into who I am.

I am:
 a seeker of: truth, grace, hope, light, love, forgiveness, devotion, joy, peace, comfort, security.
 a daughter of light not of darkness (1 Thess 5:5)
called according to God's purpose (romans 8:28)
chosen and appointed by Christ to bear His fruit (John 15:16)
 loved by God (1 Thess 1:4)
designed to triumph (2 Cor 2:14)
blessed with every spiritual blessing (Eph 1:3)
redeemed and forgiven (Eph 1:7)
hidden with Christ in God (Col 3:3)

I am loved, treasured, made for eternal living.
I am a new creation, God's workmanship.
I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength (Phil 4:13)
I walk by faith not by sight (2 Cor 5:7)
I am part of a creation that feels, hurts, laughs, cries.
I am not better than anyone, nor is anyone better than me.
I have been made to discover grace.
I have been designed to encourage and love endlessly.
I have been called to be myself.

Oh, the identity I find in these truths and the assurance and peace.

 A true rant. I do not intend to offend; I just want to share the struggle in my mind:

I am tired of lies. 

I am tired of advertising.

I don't measure up unless I have:

Painted nails, fashionable clothes, my hair always perfect, my teeth white and my lips the right stain of colour.

I hate the pressure of this culture telling me I need to look great everyday because that is what people see and judge each other on. 

I'm sick of collections of purses and shoes, makeup and clothes.

I'm appalled by our obsessions to have the perfect home and right away at that. 

I'm tired of seeing girls dress like they don't respect themselves and the beautiful body they have been given. 

I'm bothered at the fact that my eyes first notice our outer shells and then base everything upon what I see. 

I wish I could wear my heart and soul on the outside. 

I will never be cool in the world standards. I will never have it all together on the outside. I am not a model. I will never wear a bikini. Somedays I don't brush my hair, and I never wear makeup.

I get very nervous hanging out with girls because I think they are always better dressed than me; prettier than me. 

I tired of the lies, bogged down by the pressure. I am tired of seeing things in shallow light. 

I crave more than this. This world never satisfies me. 

Status means nothing to me. More money won't do.

I have found not one thing in this world that will comfort my lonely, aching soul.

I seek joy. Deep, refreshing, pure joy. I need to be satisfied and at peace in my deepest darkest part. 

I need my God, to be my God and bring his warm sunshine into my darkest holes. My sin, my insecurities, my selfishness, my perspective, my judgments, my fears. 

His grace and truth. 

His peace and love. 

His justice and mercy. 

His comfort and delight. 

I am not a part of this world. This is not my home. I look beyond this place for my security. That is the only place I will ever be safe, loved, perfect. 

That is what I mean when I say I struggle. I see things both ways- materialistic and eternal. Shallow and deep. Hollow and full. 

It is a constant battle to chose to see life in the latter; eternal, deep and full. 

Ultimately that is what I want. How long will it take me to get there?

1 Peter 3:3-4  NLT

^{" 3} Don’t be concerned about the outward beauty of fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. ⁴ You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God."

Seven times seventy

I am being challenged to grasp what forgiveness is. I find it difficult to understand that I have been forgiven some days and that is why I tend to try to earn my salvation by doing good things. I forget the whole reason how I have been given new life, a second chance.
I am struggling today. There is a family at my workplace that I find very difficult to get along with. I don't know how to show them love. I want to punch them all in the face if I can be frank. But I know that God is love and he has loved me so for him I need to love them. For them I need to love them. For me I need to love them.
The first step for me to take is to forgive them. Which sounds simple. Done. But I know I am going to go through the same frustrations with them the next day. If I forgive them it doesn't mean they change. That part for some reason is the hard part. Knowing that everyday will be frustrating and every day I need to extend love and forgiveness. It is easy to forgive someone when you know he is sorry and he will try to not hurt you again. This is not the case.
Matthew 18:21-35
God is calling me to forgive unconditionally. Every time, all the time. Genuinely from the depths of my heart because that is the kind of forgiveness I have been given.