I will miss the days we had; before the accident...
Yet as I type those words I recall feeling empty and purposeless months ago. I felt like something was missing. I was too comfortable with life. I thought I had done everything I could. Far stretch of thinking, I know. I am only 27 and I thought that this was it. I have a job, a house, a husband...a schedule a pay check, some dreams that seem too far out of reach. Thoughts of maybe we should have kids just so they can amount to something that I never did. I had given up on life. I had settled. So maybe I don't exactly miss the days before the accident. I mean, I wish it didn't feel like we were walking in a straight line and then we get picked up and thrown into space. I have so many unanswered questions mainly starting with why. My heart is so heavy. It can't handle another piece of bad news. But as heavy as my heart feels I am glad I can feel. As messed up as I am right now I am thankful that I have learned so many things through this tragedy. I see life as so fragile. Short and breakable. I have empathy that I didn't know I had for others going through difficult times. The stuff in life that seemed to matter previously, just aren't as valuable. At the same time though I am trying to cling to those daily comforts and routines because it is the only thing that seems to have any reason attached to it. I am back to obsessing about plans for the house and garden. Back to Netflix marathons. Something is different though. I am doing this not for pleasure but because I need to. If I don't stick to some normalcy I feel like life will crumble.Originally when we lost our friend in the accident, many people surrounded us. It was amazing. You could literally feel them holding us up in prayer. We survived the next couple of weeks. Everything revolved around the accident. I think time has allowed for the facts of what happened to slowly sink into my head and my heart. Little bits at a time. If the reality of it all came at once I would die of sadness. But now time has gone on, it has been just over 7 weeks. Everyone is back to their regular routines. Obviously normal and expected. I hold nothing against anyone. We haven't moved on though. I don't think we ever will. Our routines will be new. Our plans will be influenced by that day. Life will move forward but this piece will be with us forever. It will shape us. It is shaping us.
I see God in new light. He has broader shoulders than I thought. His well of grace is deeper than I expected. His mercies truly are new everyday. He slowly works on us, his masterpieces. And this too will carve us into the beautiful creation we are. It hurts. Its the deepest pain I have ever felt. It is the heaviest I have ever felt. I haven't been this fearful in my life before. There are so many unknowns for our future. I fear when Joe leaves the house without me. My sleep is light and broken up. My mind seems foggy and forgetful. My heart suddenly flutters. My chest is tight and my jaw clenches.
Somewhere in all this though, I know God is there. I know he cares and I know he is faithful.
"My health may fail and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever." Psalm 73:26
