When Life Stops Abruptly

I will miss the days we had; before the accident...

Yet as I type those words I recall feeling empty and purposeless months ago. I felt like something was missing. I was too comfortable with life. I thought I had done everything I could. Far stretch of thinking, I know. I am only 27 and I thought that this was it. I have a job, a house, a husband...a schedule a pay check, some dreams that seem too far out of reach. Thoughts of maybe we should have kids just so they can amount to something that I never did. I had given up on life. I had settled. So maybe I don't exactly miss the days before the accident. I mean, I wish it didn't feel like we were walking in a straight line and then we get picked up and thrown into space. I have so many unanswered questions mainly starting with why. My heart is so heavy. It can't handle another piece of bad news. But as heavy as my heart feels I am glad I can feel. As messed up as I am right now I am thankful that I have learned so many things through this tragedy. I see life as so fragile. Short and breakable. I have empathy that I didn't know I had for others going through difficult times. The stuff in life that seemed to matter previously, just aren't as valuable. At the same time though I am trying to cling to those daily comforts and routines because it is the only thing that seems to have any reason attached to it. I am back to obsessing about plans for the house and garden. Back to Netflix marathons. Something is different though. I am doing this not for pleasure but because I need to. If I don't stick to some normalcy I feel like life will crumble.

Originally when we lost our friend in the accident, many people surrounded us. It was amazing. You could literally feel them holding us up in prayer. We survived the next couple of weeks. Everything revolved around the accident. I think time has allowed for the facts of what happened to slowly sink into my head and my heart. Little bits at a time. If the reality of it all came at once I would die of sadness.  But now time has gone on, it has been just over 7 weeks.  Everyone is back to their regular routines. Obviously normal and expected. I hold nothing against anyone. We haven't moved on though. I don't think we ever will. Our routines will be new. Our plans will be influenced by that day. Life will move forward but this piece will be with us forever. It will shape us. It is shaping us.

I see God in new light. He has broader shoulders than I thought. His well of grace is deeper than I expected. His mercies truly are new everyday. He slowly works on us, his masterpieces. And this too will carve us into the beautiful creation we are. It hurts. Its the deepest pain I have ever felt. It is the heaviest I have ever felt. I haven't been this fearful in my life before. There are so many unknowns for our future. I fear when Joe leaves the house without me. My sleep is light and broken up. My mind seems foggy and forgetful. My heart suddenly flutters. My chest is tight and my jaw clenches.
Somewhere in all this though, I know God is there. I know he cares and I know he is faithful.

"My health may fail and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever." Psalm 73:26

What is this life?
A breath and then it is over.
We will never know when our life is at its end.
Why does that seem to bother some more than others?

Is this life just about looking good and saying the right thing?
Is it just about finding the right job and living out your dream?

What is a dream any way? Did I really come up with the idea or did someone put the thoughts in my head? Was it my environment that influenced my thoughts about the future and the way life is supposed to be?

How can I see something so clearly and others can not?
How can I believe in something so strongly and another just stands there staring blankly?

Life seems to be a number of choices, one leading to the next. Good, bad, wise, unwise. I have the freedom to decide which type of choice to make. Even if the circumstances around me are out of my control, I still decide my actions.
Why can't we man up and acknowledge that? We can't blame anyone for the hole we got ourselves into, not even God. Especially not him actually, because if we knew anything about him we would know that he allows us to make our own choices.

I understand that the church has hurt many people. I don't understand how people think God has had any part in that.
We get a new day, every day. Sunrise, sunset, the sky and the stars. There are trees and flowers, seasons and animals. Feelings, beauty, music, love. Food, drink, sleep. God gives us that. So why do we get mad at him?
2 timothy 4:1-5

Who Am I???

"I didn't always know what I wanted to do, but I knew the kind of woman I wanted to be."
- Diane Von Furstenberg

I found this paper today that I was given at a bible study months ago. I want to write it out because sometimes I forget who I am. When I forget I go down this slippery slope of discouragement and despair, ranting and raving about how I am not good enough. (note: last post)

I know I really need to lighten up. Figuratively, because literally I am light enough. I could actually use some vitamin D and sunshine.

Anyways, now that I got that out of my system (previous post), I will dive into who I am.

I am:
 a seeker of: truth, grace, hope, light, love, forgiveness, devotion, joy, peace, comfort, security.
 a daughter of light not of darkness (1 Thess 5:5)
called according to God's purpose (romans 8:28)
chosen and appointed by Christ to bear His fruit (John 15:16)
 loved by God (1 Thess 1:4)
designed to triumph (2 Cor 2:14)
blessed with every spiritual blessing (Eph 1:3)
redeemed and forgiven (Eph 1:7)
hidden with Christ in God (Col 3:3)

I am loved, treasured, made for eternal living.
I am a new creation, God's workmanship.
I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength (Phil 4:13)
I walk by faith not by sight (2 Cor 5:7)
I am part of a creation that feels, hurts, laughs, cries.
I am not better than anyone, nor is anyone better than me.
I have been made to discover grace.
I have been designed to encourage and love endlessly.
I have been called to be myself.

Oh, the identity I find in these truths and the assurance and peace.

 A true rant. I do not intend to offend; I just want to share the struggle in my mind:

I am tired of lies. 

I am tired of advertising.

I don't measure up unless I have:

Painted nails, fashionable clothes, my hair always perfect, my teeth white and my lips the right stain of colour.

I hate the pressure of this culture telling me I need to look great everyday because that is what people see and judge each other on. 

I'm sick of collections of purses and shoes, makeup and clothes.

I'm appalled by our obsessions to have the perfect home and right away at that. 

I'm tired of seeing girls dress like they don't respect themselves and the beautiful body they have been given. 

I'm bothered at the fact that my eyes first notice our outer shells and then base everything upon what I see. 

I wish I could wear my heart and soul on the outside. 

I will never be cool in the world standards. I will never have it all together on the outside. I am not a model. I will never wear a bikini. Somedays I don't brush my hair, and I never wear makeup.

I get very nervous hanging out with girls because I think they are always better dressed than me; prettier than me. 

I tired of the lies, bogged down by the pressure. I am tired of seeing things in shallow light. 

I crave more than this. This world never satisfies me. 

Status means nothing to me. More money won't do.

I have found not one thing in this world that will comfort my lonely, aching soul.

I seek joy. Deep, refreshing, pure joy. I need to be satisfied and at peace in my deepest darkest part. 

I need my God, to be my God and bring his warm sunshine into my darkest holes. My sin, my insecurities, my selfishness, my perspective, my judgments, my fears. 

His grace and truth. 

His peace and love. 

His justice and mercy. 

His comfort and delight. 

I am not a part of this world. This is not my home. I look beyond this place for my security. That is the only place I will ever be safe, loved, perfect. 

That is what I mean when I say I struggle. I see things both ways- materialistic and eternal. Shallow and deep. Hollow and full. 

It is a constant battle to chose to see life in the latter; eternal, deep and full. 

Ultimately that is what I want. How long will it take me to get there?

1 Peter 3:3-4  NLT

^{" 3} Don’t be concerned about the outward beauty of fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. ⁴ You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God."

Seven times seventy

I am being challenged to grasp what forgiveness is. I find it difficult to understand that I have been forgiven some days and that is why I tend to try to earn my salvation by doing good things. I forget the whole reason how I have been given new life, a second chance.
I am struggling today. There is a family at my workplace that I find very difficult to get along with. I don't know how to show them love. I want to punch them all in the face if I can be frank. But I know that God is love and he has loved me so for him I need to love them. For them I need to love them. For me I need to love them.
The first step for me to take is to forgive them. Which sounds simple. Done. But I know I am going to go through the same frustrations with them the next day. If I forgive them it doesn't mean they change. That part for some reason is the hard part. Knowing that everyday will be frustrating and every day I need to extend love and forgiveness. It is easy to forgive someone when you know he is sorry and he will try to not hurt you again. This is not the case.
Matthew 18:21-35
God is calling me to forgive unconditionally. Every time, all the time. Genuinely from the depths of my heart because that is the kind of forgiveness I have been given.

Joy: A By-Product of Fellowship

Definition of Joy: A feeling of great pleasure and happiness

Synonyms: delight, gladness, mirth, pleasure, rejoicing

As a Christian for a number of years now, I have struggled to understand the word Joy. What does it feel like, what does it really mean?

Maybe I feel it and I call it something else.

Maybe I don't have it and my entire Christian life is a sham. 

I have pondered the meaning of joy many times but haven't looked for much help in finding an answer. 

Today I was reading John 15. Jesus gives us an illustration of him being the vine and we are the branches. Here is verses 9-13. 

“Just as the Father has loved me, I have also loved you; remain in my love. If you obey my commandments, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father’s commandments and remain in his love. I have told you these things so that my joy may be in you, and your joy may be complete. My commandment is this – to love one another just as I have loved you. No one has greater love than this – that one lays down his life for his friends." (John 15:9-13 NET)

Then I read this in 1 John: 

"This is what we proclaim to you: what was from the beginning, what we have heard, what we have seen with our eyes, what we have looked at and our hands have touched (concerning the word of life – and the life was revealed, and we have seen and testify and announce to you the eternal life that was with the Father and was revealed to us). What we have seen and heard we announce to you too, so that you may have fellowship with us (and indeed our fellowship is with the Father and with his Son Jesus Christ). Thus we are writing these things so that our joy may be complete." (1 John 1:1-4 NET)

And finally in Psalm 4

"Many people say, “Who will show us better times?” Let your face smile on us, Lord. You have given me greater joy than those who have abundant harvests of grain and new wine. In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, O Lord, will keep me safe. (Psalms 4:6-8 NLT)

While reading through these verses I saw the simplicity to receiving joy.

1. We have joy when we are connected to God

2. Our perspective is changed (referring to ps 4- life is more than the abundance on this earth. We can have everything and still not have joy)

3. Being connected with others in a healthy, caring way.  (John 15:13, 1 John 1:3)

That to me is really what life is all about. Micah sums it up best when he says, "No, O people, the Lord has told you what is good, and this is what he requires of you: to do what is right, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God. (Micah 6:8 NLT)

 Connect with God, connect with others, do the right thing. The by product- complete joy.  Learning  this I can confidently say I do have joy, I think it grows stronger as each day goes by. Little by little it becomes complete. 

Thought for the day....

1Peter 3:3 cev
"Don't depend on things like fancy hair styles or gold jewelry or expensive clothes to make you look beautiful. Be beautiful in your heart by being gentle and quiet. This kind of beauty will last, and God considers it very special. Long ago those women who worshipped God and put their hope in him made themselves beautiful by putting their husbands first."

The Breakdown:
I think this verse isn't saying that we should wear potato bags and never comb our hair. It is saying to not depend on our appearance; don't put your trust in those things. Our outer appearances will change and fade, our character will grow stronger by the day if we work on it. I think of my husband's Nana. She is beautiful beyond words because her beauty runs deeper than her skin. She respects her husband and loves her family. She is not caught up in the latest and greatest. She is concerned about the welfare of mankind. She is very interested in our lives. Joe's Nana makes me feel accepted and valued. Those are the qualities that make us beautiful. 

The Questions:
What do I define beauty as?
According to the Bibles definition of beauty, am I beautiful?
Do I believe that my inner self is what really needs work, not my outer appearance?
Is there a way to balance the time I spend on my outer appearance vs inner self?
Do I care more about what I look like than how I act or think about myself and those close to me?

The Conclusion:
I can make myself beautiful but through a different way than what cosmetic companies tell me.
Being gentle and quiet is more valuable than gold or new clothes.
My actions are what determine my beauty- will I put others before myself?